well, i’m back… after promising months ago that i would be more consistent. So much has happened in the last couple of months. i’ve been barely able to keep my head above water but i’m glad to share that i’m breathing and starting to swim again. i can’t actually swim but you get the drift. lol
summer came and left and i barely remember any of it. one thing i do remember is how hard life was. marriage was rocky and i just about had it with motherhood/housewife life. every time i opened my mouth about my kids, it was a complaint. it was physically hard for me to enjoy them. any fun activities we did were forced because i’m their mother and i’m supposed to do these things with/for them. for example, my kids love to be around me, sitting on my lap, playing with my hair, talking to me, helping me cook and clean. but in my heart of hearts i really just wanted to do everything myself and be left alone. i could barely stand my daughter sitting on my lap for a couple of minutes and anytime i’d do an activity with them i’d end up blowing up and need a break afterward. i got to a point i’d wake up with a sense of dread about what i had in store for the day which most of the time was nothing! once the kids would wake up i’d immediately get anxious and i’d feel this overwhelming chest pressure. i tried to take deep breathes and slow down to shake it off, but i just couldn’t.
if you know me personally, you know that i’m a people person who always has an encouraging word. during this time, i felt like myself when i was around friends. i’d feel at home at birthday parties, dinner, church, pretty much anywhere but home with my kids. i finally realized a pattern, once the social events were over and i found myself back in my car heading home, the anxiety would creep back. some days stronger than others. now you may be wondering maybe she has a lot of responsibilities at home or difficult children. i don’t, my kids are super easy and my husband doesn’t require much. but i still found it hard to do and enjoy the simple things at home with the kids.
finally after taking a break from everything, including social media, ministry, friends, hobbies, etc. thinking these things were robbing me from my home life; I decided to truly seek the Lord for help and focus on my family with no outside distractions. our marriage was in a much better place but i still had this overarching depressed feeling and was so irritable that i couldn’t even stand to hear my 3 year old speak. this is when i realized something was not right and decided to talk to a psychologist friend who advised me to go see my doctor and maybe a therapist.
long story short, all along i was suffering from ppa (postpartum anxiety) and some ppd (postpartum depression). never thought this could happen to me but it did and i was so oblivious to it. i’m glad to share that i’m in a much better place. i’ve received the help that i need and finally feel like myself again. i absolutely love hearing my kids wake up in the morning and hear what they have to say and what they want to do. my daughter climbs in my lap, gets cozy, and i’m not one bit irritated. just the other day i was gardening and the kids were playing along side me and i never felt overwhelmed and never had thoughts of them fatally getting hit by a car! i had moments where i just would stop and enjoy their laughter. we lasted outside for almost two hours! all these things seem so small but when you haven’t experienced these things and then you finally do… this. this is everything!
i’m thankful for friends and family who have prayed for me. we all have areas in our lives that are struggles that people that are close to us may have no idea about. my advice to you is to face it and get help. i sought the Lord and He guided me to my diagnosis and the help i needed. i’m mentally in a better place where i can fully enjoy the two blessings He’s given me and for that i’m forever grateful.